The depths of Fire and Back again

A lot of people ask me ”where and how have you been?”.

And to be honest I often pause and wonder are they truly able to receive me and hold me in that?

Because the truth is

I have been through the depths of the fire and back.

I have died and returned again.

I have been free and I have been enslaved all in a single breath.

I am just now truly beginning to feel the lessons of my voyage to Colombia.

I have come to understand that it was the catalyst but the work would only happen when I was open to receive.

It‘s funny isn’t it

how we can be so deep in a perspective

we miss the point.

So where have I been?

The conceptual answer is: Healing.

I have confronted a lot of my demons the past few months and trust me they didn’t go down without a fight.

My ego has been the most challenging war yet. Sometimes I feel I go so far then my ego finds a way to sabbatage my growth and leave me feeling like I have to start all over again.

The thing I am practicing is grace in the process

Because healing is a day journey…

And when we are faced with challenges we sometimes make the wrong choice, and that’s okay. What grace does it allows for fuck ups, human moments. Yet, it reminds you to be compassionate with yourself, dust yourself off, be accountable, and move forward with love.

How many times have you made a mistake with someone else, and they forgive you and let it go but your guilt and over analyzing drags you through the mud so long you make it worse?

I have for all of my life been a chronic over thinker. I have thought myself both in and out of situations. I have talked myself out of blessings and talked myself into unnecessary pain.

And it has to do with constantly living in a triggered trauma state. Trauma unhealed creates an illusion that we aren’t safe. It makes it hard to move forward without feeling so overwhelmed by what we could or should have done differently.

So how have I been?

I have been evolving.

I have been learning to let go more gracefully.

I have been exhausted by my own thoughts.

I have experienced love.

I have experienced loss.

I have romantized my life.

I have felt the loneliest I have ever been.

I have seen glimpses of a future.

I have been shackled to the past.

I have tried new things and ways of being.

I have stayed stubborn and attached.

I have been healing.

I have been forgiving.

I have been surrendering.

I have been reminded I do not have to go through the fire alone.

I have been changing.

And the scariest part about it is that a lot of the things, people, and places from before no longer add joy to my life. I have out grown them.

I have been creating a new life rooted in love.

I look at myself in the mirror and while I feel I am looking at a new me it feels familiar like she’s been there all along waiting for me to come home.

So that’s where and how I have been... Growing.

Remember my friends that growth is not always rainbows and butterflies. That healing is not a one dimensional journey. As long as you do your best, and practice grace, that is more than good, you’re doing great! Take it one breath at a time.

Be kind to yourself in the process. Give yourself grace.

Mahalo nui loa